Relative Happiness
To plan a successful
family reunion, enlist a dedicated team of helpers - and
never, ever, forget that perfect families exist only on
TV.
By Michelle Burgess - Special to
the Star-Telegram
Picture it: Your sweet,
beautiful grandmother surrounded by dozens of beaming
relatives, both distant and immediate, who have come
together for a week to visit with this fine woman and
reconnect with each other because, well, it has just
been too, too long. For seven magical days, cousins and
aunts, old folks and wee tots bond over pie-eating
contests, tug-of-war and near-constant family
togetherness.
What
could be more glorious than the
family reunion?
"I hate
those things," writes one North Carolina woman in a Web
log devoted to the topic. "People from all over that I'd
not seen in a coon's age all gather at the local
community center . . . trying to out-brag each other. My
advice: If the riots start, duck when things start
flying."
A
little cynical, perhaps -- but there is truth in the
notion that forcing togetherness upon a huge group of barely
acquainted third cousins twice removed could be a recipe
for resentment.
Reunions are a
wonderful idea, in concept. In reality, they can be
wonderful, given thoughtful planning and realistic
expectations. And some reunions actually do turn out
like some thing from a movie on the Lifetime channel.
There's the story of
Alex Mizrahi, who five years ago had more family members
he hadn't met than those he had. They were as far-flung
as South America and Australia, these larger-than-life
relatives who spoke multiple languages, lived exciting
lives and existed for Mizrahi only in the stories that
made their way through the family grapevine.
Then a college student
in Washington, D.C., Mizrahi spent Passover with his
cousins in Fairfax, Va., along with his parents and
sister who flew in from Los Angeles. "The next year, we
had Passover together as well, except this time our
family from Venezuela and New Jersey joined us," says
the 22-year-old Mizrahi, who lives in Tempe, Ariz. "We
decided to rotate where to have Passover, and the next
year we had it in Los Angeles and added family from
Texas and North Carolina.
"This year's is bigger
than ever, with the Venezuelan, Australian and Swiss
segments of the family coming."
At the heart of
Mizrahi's story is what's common to all successful
family reunions: a core group of relatives who are
committed to carving out time for each other. The
trouble comes when families try to create and achieve
some warm-and-fuzzy ideal.
"What families have to
remember is that anything goes," says Dina Carson,
co-author of the four-book "Reunion Solutions" series of
planners. "There is no right or wrong size or theme or
any set pattern. What is right for someone else, no
matter how amazing it sounds, is not necessarily right
for your group."
For Tami Baker's
family, the right kind of reunion has a relaxed
summer-camp feel. Her relatives -- 200 strong and spread
across eight states -- get together about every three
years at Uncle Ron's house in Washington, where there
are horses, a creek for swimming, a fire pit for evening
gatherings, and plenty of acreage for tents and campers.
"We don't have any
planned activities," says Baker, 37, of Liberty Hill,
Texas. "There are so many of us that we just have
spontaneous games of softball and volleyball."
For families who
prefer a little more structure, Disney theme parks and
cruises are popular, says Sandy Lovick, owner of Family
Reunion Travel in Minneapolis. One of her clients --
whose family members come from Ohio, Oregon, Arizona and
Minnesota -- recently set sail from Galveston for a
seven-night Disney cruise during spring break. The
grandparents picked up the tab for the nine cabins,
which ran about $1,500 per person, including airfare,
activities and food, Lovick says.
Lovick also recommends
all-inclusive resorts to cost-conscious families. Her
agency books a lot of extended family trips to Playa Del
Carmen, Mexico, about 45 minutes south of Cancun. "The
beauty of an all-inclusive resort is that if someone in
the family can only afford four days, they can still be
included in the vaction," she says. "Plus, they don't
nickel-and-dime you to death."
Also popular right now
is renting an Italian villa -- preferably in Tuscany,
Lovick says. It's expensive, though, and as with most
trips abroad, better suited to smaller groups.
Carson has observed
another recent trend, where families gather at airport
hotels in carefully chosen cities. "In Atlanta, I was
staying near the airport and found that there were five
different reunions going on, all at this nondescript
hotel," she says. The appeal was the location's
convenience, plus the deal offered by the hotel -- a
deal that included shuttles to area attractions and
group sightseeing discounts.
Carson says that hub
cities, where airlines are based -- Denver, Atlanta, Los
Angeles and Chicago, for example -- are usually the best
places to search for affordable host hotels.
When choosing a
location, solicit input from family members -- but
realize that you'll probably never satisfy everyone.
While one set of relatives complains that the hotel
you've booked is too fancy, another might grouse that
you've put them up in a dump. And achieving perfect
geographical equidistance is pretty near impossible.
To keep it fair, some
families, such as Mizrahi's, alternate locations to
accommodate different branches of a modern, spread-out
family tree. Others gather on neutral ground -- the
place where their family's roots took hold.
When Sheryl Fils and
her family held their first reunion, there was no
question about where to hold it -- their home state of
Tennessee. A California native now living in Marietta,
Ga., Fils is one of dozens of descendants of her
grandmother, who died in 2003 at age 99.
"She was the glue that
kept us together," Fils says. "We all pitched in and
made her 'homegoing ceremony' beautiful, but we realized
that unless we made an effort to stay together, it
wouldn't mean anything. So we decided to have a
family reunion during
her birth month of June."
Fils' relatives gather
every other year for a six-day Kennedy
family reunion in Pigeon Forge,
Tenn. On this year's schedule: basketball,
volleyball and bowling tournaments, and day trips for
whitewater rafting, horseback riding and visiting
Dollywood.
Because she enjoyed
her role as chairwoman of the first reunion, Fils has
even launched her own event-planning business. She's a
brave woman. There's no telling how many have succumbed
to the stress of organizing their family reunion and
have vowed to never do it again. But sometimes all it
takes to relieve some of the burden is teamwork.
"That's another
important thing to remember -- don't be a martyr,"
Carson says. "That creates tension for you and everyone
else. Smart planners delegate, delegate, delegate."
Details, details, details
When planning the
details of your family reunion -- themes, invitations,
keepsakes -- keep in mind the variety of ages and tastes
of guests. Yes, a hippie theme sounds fun, but Grandma
might not know what to make of it.
A good rule: When in
doubt, think simple.
Themes
The best themes will
have a connection to your family or at least appeal to
your group as a whole. Some ideas:
1. Nostalgia. Decorate
with copies of family photos and poster-size shots of
relatives when they were younger. Play music at least 25
years old.
2. Decades. Carry the
nostalgia theme to a specific decade, such as the '70s.
Guests can wear summer-camp clothes: tube socks, short
shorts or cut-offs, and old, campy T-shirts.
3. Heritage. Celebrate
your ancestry by dressing in garb inspired by your
family's country of origin, and play ethnic music.
Polka, anyone?
4. Ambience. Ambience
themes re-create the atmosphere of a specific place --
Great-Grandma's front porch, a general store or a
mountain retreat.
5. Destination. Can't
go to Hawaii? Bring Hawaii to you. Or Jamaica, New York,
Paris, Africa or London.
6. All for one. Your
reunion can revolve around the family's matriarch or
patriarch. Base the theme on his or her personal
history; decorate according to the place and time period
in which he or she grew up, and play music from that
era.
Invitations
An invitation's most
important functions are to convey information and compel
the recipient to attend. Style is important, substance
more so.
Invitations should fit
the theme. Easiest and least expensive are those
designed on the computer, but given enough lead time --
and a crafty relative eager to contribute to the cause
-- you can get as artsy as you like. If you have a broad
budget, you can get really creative. For example, if
your theme is Great-Grandma's front porch (see No. 4),
ship summery, nostalgic-looking invitations along with a
lemonade pitcher that contains gourmet lemonade mix and
homemade cookies. If "Decades" is your theme, burn a CD
to send along with the invitations (and use an old
family photo from that decade as the CD cover).
Keepsakes
Keepsakes don't have
to be expensive for them to be memorable. Some ideas:
1. You can't go wrong
with a memory book, which can be assembled in the months
before the reunion, then printed and bound for a few
dollars each at a copy store. The book can include
photos of family members, along with information about
what they're doing now, addresses and e-mails.
2. Sure, they're
cheesy, but matching T-shirts promote unity and make for
a great photo op. They can be simple ("Jones Family
Reunion 2005") or sport a catchphrase that has meaning
to the family.
3. A CD-ROM can
capture the reunion for posterity. Consider the age and
tech-savvy level of attendees before scrapping the
memory book in favor of a CD, though.
4. Baby-picture name
tags, featuring a name and baby picture and hung on a
lanyard around the neck, are great conversation
starters.
5. Some keepsakes are
naturals with certain themes. Think personalized golf
balls, drink cozies, bookmarks, snow globes, pens,
paperweights or visors.
6. A simple group
photo that includes all family members -- and that's
inexpensively framed -- is a sure hit. And regardless of
other keepsakes, taking plenty of photos is a must.
7. If the reunion will
be a potluck affair, ask relatives to submit their
signature recipes ahead of time, then copy and bind them
in simple recipe books that everyone can take home.
When your family doesn't look like the
Waltons
You did everything
perfectly -- planning early, securing a great location
at a low price and personally designing invitations so
adorable that no one can turn them down.
You thought of
everything, right?
Not quite. Because
even the most meticulously organized reunion can fail if
the emotional component of a family gathering is
ignored, says Carol Dass of the Family Counseling Center
in Fort Worth.
"It can be a real
minefield," says Dass, who has worked with reunion
veterans left dazed and wounded by events gone very
wrong.
"There are some people
who idealize it and think, 'Oh, it's going to be such a
warm and lovely thing,' " Dass says. "Then there are
those who believe that they can mend things between
relatives who haven't spoken in years. Neither is
realistic."
Long-standing family
feuds aren't a reason to scrap the whole idea of a
reunion. But Dass recommends that reunion planners
consider the emotional aspects as seriously as they do
the organizational details. Here are her tips for
keeping the peace:
1. This is not an
intervention. There's a time and place for feuding
relatives to work out their problems. A reunion is not
it. Invite both aunts who haven't spoken in 20 years and
"let them know your willingness to make it a pleasant
experience without forcing a confrontation."
2. Leave room to
breathe. Family members need unscheduled time to do
something alone or with their immediate families without
feeling as though they're rejecting the larger group.
Leave a few hours each day free, or make some activities
optional.
3. Make it affordable.
It's unreasonable to expect less financially comfortable
relatives to foot an extravagant bill. And if someone
else offers to pay, that can be condescending. So keep
the lower end of the financial spectrum in mind when
deciding how luxurious your gathering will be.
4. Don't ignore
serious issues. If a family member has a history of
abusive or criminal behavior, keep him or her off the
list. "There are some things that can't be healed in a
weekend and can't be ignored," Dass says. "You don't
want to risk creating a situation that turns dangerous
or leads to a total breakdown of the family."
5. Remember: The
Waltons didn't exist in real life. You love your family
-- even the crazy or cranky ones -- but that doesn't
mean you should expect to be one big, happy family.
"Biology brings you together but doesn't guarantee
harmony," Dass says. So set your expectations
accordingly.
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